“The key to great acting? Learn your lines and don’t trip over the furniture.”

Spencer Tracy

“You can have anything you want in life if you’re willing to ask 1,000 people.” 

Byron Katie

There are two kinds of speaking. The first is private speaking. It’s the speaking we do when we talk to ourselves. It’s the voice we hear when we have opinions, judgments and assessments of the people and events in our lives.

Mostly, private speaking makes no difference except to keep us feeling alone and separate. Private speaking often stops us from taking action. Private speaking generally tells us that whatever we’re about to do is not a good idea, especially if it’s going to take us out of our comfort zone.

Private speaking will keep us safe, but it won’t get us what you want.

The second kind is public speaking. Public speaking is what we do when we are in a conversation with others, whether those “others” are 1,000 people or only one. Contrary to what Byron Katie says, we don’t always have to ask 1,000 people to get what we want, but she does point to something important: Whether our audience is 1,000 people or only one, whether we’re communicating face to face or on the phone or computer, whatever we want in life, we’re going to have to go out there and ask for it.

In 27 years of helping people create and deliver what they say publicly, I’ve found 4 areas that are important if people are to get what they want.

1.Being nervous

Are you nervous when you speak publicly? Does being nervous inhibit you from asking for what you want?

I’ve heard people say that the audience “makes” them nervous. Consider the possibility that nervousness is your creation and has nothing to do with your audience.

Do you imagine your audience is judgmental? That’s because you’re judging your audience. Is your audience “hostile?” That’s because you’re hostile towards your audience. Is your audience friendly? That’s who you’re being.

Audiences aren’t actually hostile, judgmental or friendly. They’re just “your audience.” You create a “hostile” audience when you judge that their questions, concerns or comments are “hostile.”

Consider the possibility that they have questions, concerns or comments because you’re asking them to change and, like all of us, they’re unsure they want to.

Audiences are a figment of our imagination. No matter how well we may think we know our audience based on past experience, we don’t know what they will actually say or do until we hear them say it or see them do it.

Our imaginings of what they will say are far worse than the reality of what they actually say.

In a presentation you must stay present. What’s in your thoughts (private speaking) is generally not what’s present in the room where you’re talking (public speaking).

2.Ask for what you want using the words “Will you?”

It’s an axiom of persuasion that those who ask clearly and directly for what they want are more likely to get it. The clearest and most direct way to ask is, “Will you?” Will you buy this? Will you give me an appointment? Will you visit our facility? Will you call me? Will you hire me? Will you go out with me? Will you take out the garbage? Will you pick me up from school? Will you let me use the car?

Saying, “Can you?” or “Do you think?” or “Will you try?” lacks the assertive power of “Will you?” You’re asking people to make a choice. It’s an act of will on their part. You want to find out if they have this “will power” by asking directly.

Use few words when you ask, “Will you?” The more you explain why you‘re asking, the more you signal your doubts about the validity of your request.

3.Listen to the response to your request.

In response to your “Will you?” request, you will get one of three answers:

a.“Yes” in which case thank the person. Be obviously grateful for their willingness to give you what you want.

b.“No” which almost always means “not now” (see number 4 below for the exception). Request permission to ask again at a later date by asking, “Will you allow me to call again?” and “When may I do so?”

c.“Maybe” in which case ask, “Why not?” Find out their concern and respond to it if you can (sometimes you can’t).

4.Sometimes, no means no.

Not everyone is a candidate for giving you what you want. What you’re offering may not meet their needs. They might not be the decision maker. They may be completely satisfied with what they have.

Thank the person for their time and send a “thank you” note. Perhaps that “no” really is “not now.”

Spencer Tracy was right: You have to know your “lines.” But once you know what you’re going to say publicly, don’t allow nervousness or the way you say those lines to get in the way of ensuring that you get what you want.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan http://www.larrybarkan.com